ARISE! Mind, Body, Spirit Healing Institute

July Blog – 3rd installment of My Mental Health blog

****Continued from May-June 2021 Blog-Vlog on Mental Health / Healing****

So, my May blog ended with:  I was 25 years old and it was May 1988.  I didn’t know it then, but joining AA and NA was going to help me transform my life!  It was a BIG step in my road to mental health and recovery from addiction.  I was still very sick, and there were many more tragic and traumatic events yet to come, but there was also a whole lot of healing yet to be done, and the 12 – step programs helped to set me on that path – to clear my mind, body and spirit-soul of the “wreckage of my past”, so that I could be an open vessel for the healing resources that I would stumble upon (God would bring me), either directly or through my connections with others.

From a mental health perspective, I learned that many addicts and alcoholics use substances to “self-medicate” their undiagnosed depression, OCD, bi-polar disorder, or another mental health issue.  When they get clean or sober, and are not self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, many addicts/alcoholics end up needing medication for at least some time, until the substances clear and their natural biochemistry returns to balance.  And this was the case with me – I was diagnosed with a form of bi-polar disorder –  Hypomania, fairly early in recovery, ~1989, and was prescribed several different medications.

Eventually, the best medication for my insomnia, migraines and hypomania was Depakote.  This medication literally made me feel like what I had only ever imagined, my whole life, that it must feel like to be “normal”!  I was so grateful to have found something (finally) that worked for me.

Also around 1989,  I received terrible news that my next-door neighbor, who was then 18 yrs old and who I babysat only 10 yrs before, had killed himself by driving his car off a bridge, while simultaneously setting off a home-made pipe bomb while carrying a couple of gallons of gasoline in the back seat, and shooting himself in the mouth with a shotgun.  I was mentally traumatized by the extent to which this little boy, who I knew and cared for not very long before, had gone to such great lengths to be sure that he would not live another moment longer.  

Four years later, at age 29, I married again.  I had already received my Master’s degree and had already started on my Doctorate.  I had moved several times and was about to move to Florida to finish my research.  I had learned two MAJOR “secrets” about myself / family – #1 – my grandfather and many other male elders in the family had been molesting the young girls/young women in my family for years.

And #2 – I learned some details about what my grandfather had done to my mother, a couple of my aunts, a few 1st cousins, at least 2 of my sisters, and eventually, I started to realize that I was also a victim of my grandfather’s incestuous pedophilia.  

That was the beginning of my journey of discovery of the sexual abuse I had endured – besides the two rapes, which I consciously knew about, but subconsciously was in denial about – so I never talked about it and tried not to think or feel about it.

A couple of years later, by 1994, I was 6 years clean and sober.  I discovered that I was in an abusive relationship.  I found myself pinned to the floor by my fiancee’s knees and his fist was raised over my face which he was threatening to bash in.  I remember feeling dis-belief that I could have ended up like that after 6 years clean and sober.  So, again, I began learning more about my past that I had minimized or outright denied or suppressed – this time domestic violence.

My father died in Jan. 2000, when I was 36 yrs old.  He was way too young – only 70 yrs old – but he had been diagnosed 5 years earlier with Parkinson’s disease and the Lewy-Bodies variant of Alzheimer’s, both neurological disorders.  I was fairly close to my father, so his death hit me very hard.  I felt robbed of at least 25 more years that I felt I “coulda, shoulda, woulda” had with him, had he not been taken from me at such a young age.

In 2002, I got married for the third time, to “my charm”, and had a child – probably the happiest time of my life.  But 3 years later, when our son was 2 years and 10 months old, my husband ended his life by suicide.  I found him and tried to revive him, to no avail.  I suffered from PTSD and unbearable grief for the next 10 years, until I finally got on the other side of it as I mentioned in my previous blog.

Overall, if I had to short-list the seminal, transformative events in my life, besides my son’s birth, they would be:

1 – the day my brother died (12 yrs old)

2 – the day I got clean/sober – joined NA/AA (25 yrs old)

3 – the day I found my husband and the father of my child dead by his own hand (42 yrs old)

4 – the day I started to love my life again and consciously wanted to live it, again (52 yrs old)

I realized after I listed these, that the first two (#1, #2) are paired: #1 – my first tragedy/trauma, #2 – my first turning point towards healing/recovery.  And the last two (#3, #4) are paired: #3 – the last/worst tragedy/trauma, #4 – the biggest turning point: the culmination of 40 years of trying about 50 different healing strategies to overcome at least 35 different traumatic experiences.  

I am a Surviver of Suicide, which generally means I am a loved one left behind by someone who completed suicide.  I’m also a survivor of my own, numerous, suicidal ideations from about 8 years old to 42 years old.  I call this “a survivor of both sides of suicide”.  On the side of being a survivor of a loved one’s suicide, here is my family/friends’ history of suicide/mental illness:  

Relatives/friends whom have been diagnosed and/or successfully completed suicide (diagnosis in parens):

My maternal Great Grandmother took her life back in 1912 (post-partum depression)

One of her sons, my Great Uncle was undiagnosed, untreated, but characteristically, full blown, manic-depressive.

Two close friends died by suicide in 1978.

My maternal 1^st cousin died by suicide in 1984 (manic depressive, schizo-affective)

My husband and father of my 2 yr old son died by suicide in 2005 (undiagnosed)

My husband’s brother was diagnosed and prescribed meds for (bipolar disorder).

My Mom and two sisters have been diagnosed with and taken meds for (depression, anxiety) or a form of such.  All of them have struggled with suicidal ideation. One of my sisters was hospitalized twice in her late 40’s for her own safety (from hurting herself). 

My son’s suicidal ideation:

Twice my son told friend(s) he wanted to kill himself: 1st  time he was 8 y.o. (2010); the 2nd time he was 10 y.o. (2012).  Both times, I took him to a counselor and he healed.

At around 16 yrs old, my son indicated to me, indirectly, that he was feeling hopeless, very sad and frustrated – he didn’t use any of those words, but the crying and the look in his eyes, I could tell.

**We absolutely MUST watch our children VERY CAREFULLY, especially when they don’t want us to watch them!  I took him to a counselor again and he improved.

Recently, at 18 yrs old and starting his 2nd year away at college, my son did something very different – he actually came to me and told me that he was worried that he might be Bi-polar, that he might need medication and that he should probably go talk with someone.

**I cannot tell you how proud I am of him for having gotten to know himself well enough at such a young age (some adults don’t ever get there) that he knew something wasn’t right and then he was able to ask for help. 

Since my late husband’s suicide in 2005, up through today, I have had a charitable fund in his name to help others who need financial help to access mental health benefits.  The Benjamin J. Dubrow Rainbow of Hope Fund.  This is where I have been contributing the 15% proceeds from the sales of my book.  But my goal for this year is to establish a more global, 501c3 charitable organization in his memory:  “The BJD Rainbow of Hope Foundation for Mental Health and Suicide Prevention” to reach more people – hopefully to the corners of this earth!

In next month’s blog, I will share more on that journey and how you can join me in supporting mental health care and making inroads towards lowering the rate of suicide completion.

****To be continued****

My personal message and committment to you:

Since writing and publishing my book – Life Launch! Book One, I have committed to helping others get on the other side of their life’s traumas, by sharing my experience, strength and hope of how I Launched My Life out of mine – on podcasts, stages, my website, this blog/vlog, and via Social Media:  LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube.

And I also committed to donate 15% of the proceeds of all of the sales that come from my Life Launch series of books, and any of the other educational products related – including my Self-Guided Web Course:  Arise! Mind, Body, Spirit Healing and the other healing resources available for you at the Mind, Body, Spirit Healing Institute I founded.

June Blog – My June installment is a Vlog

****Continued from May 2021 Blog on Mental Health****

This is my 20-min Keynote Presentation that I shared at the Comeback Champion Summit 3.0, June 14-19, 2021.  The message is:  Launch Your Life Today! 

Since writing and publishing my book – Life Launch! Book One, I have committed to helping others get on the other side of their life’s traumas, by sharing my experience, strength and hope of how I Launched My Life out of mine – on podcasts, stages, my website, this blog/vlog, and via Social Media:  LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube.

And I also committed to donate 15% of the proceeds of all of the sales that come from my Life Launch series of books, and any of the other educational products related – including my Self-Guided Web Course:  Arise! Mind, Body, Spirit Healing and the other healing resources available for you at my Mind, Body, Spirit Healing Institute.

****To be continued****

This is a 4-part blog and will span over May – August 2021. 

In honor of National Mental Health month,  I’d like to share with you my mental health journey over the next few months.  My goal, as always, is to share my experience, strength and hope, so that it might help YOU, the reader and/or others.  Please like and share to spread the healing of feeling connected through telling our stories.

Some of you have read my book:  Life Launch! Surviving the Storms of Physical and Sexual Abuse, Book One, in which I weave my mental health history and some of my family’s, throughout.  It chronicles the first 25 years of my life.

Here, in my May 2021 blog, I will chronicle the first 25 years of my mental health journey and a brief summary of my family’s mental health history.

When I was in 3rd grade, I started having migraines and sleep-walking nightmares.  The sleep-walking nightmares lasted a few months, but the migraines have never gone away completely.  I have learned quite a few techniques to reduce the frequency of my migraines, but I do still occasionally suffer from migraines.

Starting from approx. 1972 (9 y.o.) through 2005, I wanted to either “disappear” or end my life at least a half dozen times.  This portion of my mental health history will go over the first 4 times:

The first time I felt unloved and like I wanted to disappear, I was between 9-11 yrs old (3rd-6th grade).  I could feel that my large family (6 siblings, 2 parents) “didn’t like me”, so I pretended to leave the house one night after dinner because I “knew” they were going to talk about me after I was gone.  When I snuck back inside after opening and closing the garage, pretending to leave the house, I heard them talking about what a big mouth and pain in the ass I was.  Either that night, or shortly thereafter, I decided to run away.  I prepared a “Huckleberry Finn” stick, with a bandana attached to the end that I had placed a few “essentials” in, and I “ran away” to the stand of pine trees behind the houses across the street from us.  I was afraid to go any further, and I felt safe and protected by the pine trees around and the pine needles underneath me.  As darkness started to fall, I started thinking, imagining, that my mom might be worried about me. I couldn’t stop thinking about what my mom must be going through if she knew I had run away and she couldn’t find me. After about 15 minutes of that, I decided to go back home because I didn’t want my mom to worry. When I got home, no one had noticed that I was even missing. No one was worried about me and no one noticed that I had come back. It was like I was invisible, like a ghost.

This marked the first time in my life that I seriously thought about how I could somehow, just go away and never come back. I remember I became very quiet and morose for the next couple of days. Only one sister seemed to notice and care enough to ask me what was wrong.  I told her that “nobody loves me”.  She tried to assure me that the family loved me, but I was positive that was not true and argued back with her that they didn’t.  She then said, “well, I love you” – and that was like GOLD for me.  It was the only thread I had to feeling loved, worthwhile, and accepted.  I believe her words saved my life that day.

*At this age, I started cutting on myself.

**Just about a year later, my oldest sibling and only brother was killed in a car accident – I feel it’s necessary to mention here because I started using alcohol immediately before his death and abusing drugs and alcohol immediately after.  So, that contributed greatly to the decline of my mental health – I had only just turned 13 yrs old. 

The first time I remember wanting to disappear by actually ending my life, was when I was 15 yrs old.  My mom told me that she found a “Romeo and Juliet” type letter of a suicide pact between my boyfriend and myself at the time.

I don’t recall that, but I remember telling my mom, after she was verbally putting me down again for not doing things right (“If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself!”), that “it won’t matter anyway…”  After she realized what I meant, she sent me to a counselor, who saved my life at that stage.

He taught me techniques that I could use to relax my mind and body; and also, how to slow down conversations that were getting out of hand – which helped me feel that I had slightly more control over myself and my environment – which, again, was life-saving to me at that time in my life.

***It must be noted that several other traumatic things happened in my life and surroundings at this age, which contributed to the decline of my mental health, despite this good counseling:  a good friend from my HS and neighborhood killed himself by GS wound to his head over a relationship break-up; another HS classmate ended his life by hanging because of his shame and embarrassment that he wrecked his Dad’s car; I lost my virginity; I was hit by a car jaywalking and broke my wrist while running drugs from the ex-con at the gas station to my classmates waiting at our HS; a very close friend from our “gang” was killed in a drunk driving accident while riding home from a party with a pile of our friends in the car and one of them was the drunk driver; I was having a sexual relationship with an adult man, however, I was below the age of consent.

At about 17 yrs old, I was bulimic for about a year.  I specifically remember my reason for doing it was that I wanted my parents – at least one of them – to notice and to tell me to stop.  But after a few months, they never did notice or tell me to stop, so I realized that this was not “working” and I was able to stop, thank goodness.

Also, at 17 yrs old, I got pregnant and secretly had an abortion.  I asked my girlfriend to pay for it because I had no money of that magnitude (about $400) and my boyfriend, the father,  wanted nothing to do with me or it, to the point that he disappeared into a cave for the week – spelunking.  I carried much shame and guilt about that for many years.

At 19 yrs old, I was raped twice within my first 4 months away at college – I felt embarrassed, ashamed and at fault because I was drunk both times and had lost control of my body – couldn’t fight off the perpetrators.

At 20 yrs old, just before graduating college, I became pregnant again and had another abortion because my boyfriend didn’t want it, however, we did get secretly married the following month – just a few days before I turned 21 yrs old.

While on my honeymoon, I received a call that my first cousin, who was only 2 years older than me, had killed herself.  We cut our honeymoon short to attend her funeral.  Needless to say, I felt terribly sad, devastated and shocked.

The first time I heard a diagnosis was about a year later.  I was married, living in another state, working and had started going to counseling on my own – mainly because my husband and I were fighting a lot.  She told me the DSM number she was using.  When I asked her what that meant, she said it was kind of like I walk around with a dark cloud overhead most of the time – so, a mild form of depression.

By the age of 25 yrs old, my divorce from husband #1 was final.  I felt like a failure because my marriage failed and I couldn’t fix it.  I also felt that old familiar guilt and shame.  This resulted in a very serious mental obsession with wanting to kill myself – first during the separation and second after the divorce.

During the separation, I was dating someone who kept breaking up with me – rejecting me.  That plus the shameful messages growing up of “what’s wrong with you?”, made me want to take a whole bottle of pills that would put me to sleep forever – but I didn’t have a resource for that.  I called a friend and told her what I was thinking and wanting to do – she came to my rescue – picked me up from where I was right then, and brought me into her home until I was able to move out on my own a couple of years later. 

Shortly thereafter, I was starting to think I might be an alcoholic and drug addict – which was yet ANOTHER thing for me to feel ashamed and embarrassed about.  The 6th time this boyfriend broke up with me, (now I was divorced), I felt like walking into the middle of a very busy highway.  I called back home that day and ended up getting the support that I need from my father, mainly, and enough from my mother to help me feel a sliver of hope.  This was the day that I started going to AA and NA.  

I was 25 years old and it was May 1988.  I didn’t know it then, but joining AA and NA were going to help to transform my life!  It was a BIG step in my road to mental health and recovery from addiction.  I was still very sick, and there were many more tragic and traumatic events yet to come, but there was also a whole lot of healing yet to be done, and the 12 – step programs helped to set me on that path and to clear my mind, body and spirit-soul of the “wreckage of my past”, so that I could be an open vessel for the healing resources that I would stumble upon (God would bring me), either directly or through connections with others.

****To be continued****

My Personal message and commitment to YOU!:

Since writing and publishing my book – Life Launch! Book One, I have committed to helping others get through their life’s traumas, by sharing my experience, strength and hope with mine – through podcasts, stages, my website/ this blog, and Social Media: LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram.

But also, I committed to donate 15% of the proceeds of all of the sales that come from my Life Launch series of books, and any of the other educational products related – including my Self-Guided Web Course:  Arise! Mind, Body, Spirit Healing and the other healing resources you will find at my Mind, Body, Spirit Healing Institute.

Hi everyone,  sorry I’m so late with April’s blog! 

April is National Poetry month!  

And I’ve been working on my next book, a poetry & prose book – “A Pocketbook of Poems & Prose to Accompany Dr. Liz’ Life Launch book series”.   I was hoping to publish by the end of this month – but now I’m shooting for May 15th!

As you can guess from the title, all but maybe 2 poems were written during the years that my memoir/ book:  Life Launch, Book One, takes place.  These writings are about my struggles with  love, loss and life – and represent one of the many “Healing Resources” that I list in the book – in this case: “Writing – as an outlet for our feelings”.

I’ll end my blog with an excerpt from my new book – so be sure you read ‘til the end!

Anyway, here’s a teaser of the book cover:

Wow! Where to begin for this Month’s blog?

Well, I’ll begin where I left off in March… my blog about my LOGO and it’s meaning:

ARISE! (to HOPE), through healing your mind, body and spirit

You may have noticed that after I published March’s blog, I added a “Visual Meditation on Hope”, which I created myself – I “hope” you enjoyed that, and perhaps found some inspiration and/or a renewed feeling that hope may be within your reach, if it has previously eluded you… 

And also, spring has come in full swing, at least where I live,  and we’ve had lots of rain…

“April showers bring May flowers” 

And rain showers with sun can create a rainbow… 

Remember, I shared a bit about the significance of rainbows in my life in March’s Blog? well, stay tuned for May’s blog in another week, where I will share a little bit more on Rainbows and “May flowers” and their relationship with healing – 

but for now….

I want to share with you some of the reasons for my delay publishing April’s blog – because, afterall, I’m here to help everyone to find RENEWED HOPE, and to RESTORE their JOY in Life – and so, I’m going to share with you how I’ve dealt with a very challenging month for me – 

First of all, I had to put one of my two miniature poodles down earlier in the month. His name was Clifford and I’m posting his picture here because I know it will warm your heart! 😉

He had become very infirm, incontinent, blind, deaf and senile, due to old age. 

He has been a great source of joy for both my son and me, for the last 8.5 years, since we rescued him and his younger brother, from euthanasia. I just realized as I wrote the last sentence,  that loving and caring for a pet is another “healing resource” that I need to add to my free: Dr. Liz’ Healing Resources Handbook I offer on my website: a gift for you – sharing what I’ve learned and implemented along my healing journey.

I mention this here, also, because after we said goodbye to Clifford, I received a beautiful poem about a Rainbow:

The Rainbow Bridge

There is a bridge connecting heaven and earth.

It is called The Rainbow Bridge because of all it’s beautiful colors.

Just this side of The Rainbow Bridge there is a land of meadows, hills and valleys with lush green grass.

When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to this place.

There is always food and water and warm spring weather.

The old and frail animals are young again.

Those who were sick, hurt or in pain are made whole again.

There is only one thing missing.

They are not with their special person who loved them so much on earth.

So each day they run and play until the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks up.

The noise twitches. The ears perk up. 

The eyes are staring and this one runs from the group.

You have been seen and when you and your special friend meet,

You take your special friend in your arms and hug them and look once more into the eyes of your best friend and trusting pet.

Then you cross The Rainbow Bridge together never again to be apart.

_________________________________________________

Next, I attended an amazing music festival over a 4-day weekend in the Ozark Mountains on a tributary of the Arkansas River.  I was “wilderness camping”, which means:  tent, no electricity, no running water, no cell phone service, no wifi – so, I had a lot of time to reflect and meditate.

I enjoy doing this, as it has been something I’ve been doing with friends (not family) since I was 15 years old.  This trip, however, was just me and my other miniature poodle, John Boy.

I used the time to pray, meditate and to work on my 4th Step for Narcotics Anonymous (with a physical book, paper and pen).  I was so excited about finishing it – “a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves” – that as soon as I came home, I reached out to my sponsor, life-long, “brother”- friend in recovery to share it with him, and found out some terrible news….he had passed away only a few days before!!

Finding out my sponsor and long-time brother-friend passed away really threw me for a loop!  I hadn’t ever realized how much I carry him with me “In the Background” (3rd Eye Blind song), every day.  I was typing some memories about him on Facebook and another, old sponsor, sister-friend’s name kept popping up, as if FB wanted me to tag her….I realized this was my Higher Power telling me to give her a call and ask her to finish my 4th step with me…so we did and that was great!  This is another healing principle that I use regularly in my life:  Being vigilant for my Higher Power’s message and guidance through other people and means!

The next thing that happened was a couple of painful medical problems: for the previous 2 months, almost, I’ve been experiencing some pain in my shoulder and just couldn’t exercise it away.  My chiropractor told me at first it was a “degenerative disc” in my cervical vertebrae – which was quite upsetting as it was!  So, by the end of the 2nd month (April), I literally could barely lift my arm!  And the pain was tremendous. I was quite worried that I would completely lose the use of my L arm!  So, I told my chiropractor my fears and why I couldn’t believe it was just now causing pain to only one arm and from an injury (disc degeneration), which  took years to get that way.  So, he performed another X-ray, this time on my clavicle and where it connects with my shoulder.  Then he proceeded to pull, push, and pop all areas of my cervical and brachial spine, mostly.  WOW!! my shoulder felt better right away! 

However, the very next morning, I woke up and my L wrist was in great pain and was swollen!  So, I called and of course, went in.  (Mind you, each trip to the chiropractor is 40 mins one way, so this chews up a lot of time and gas!).

He x-rayed my wrist and proceeded to push, pull and pop my hand, wrist and elbow.  I went home and literally froze my wrist with ice, because it still hurt pretty bad and the swelling had only gone down about 50%.  I went to sleep and woke up and the pain was almost non-existent, the swelling was gone and I had about 80% mobility and strength restored!  

The reason I elaborate on this is to give you a testimonial and concrete example of how chiropractic medicine is a “Healing Resource” that I share in my book and in my free “Healing Resources Booklet”, which I offer on my website (www.drlizlifelaunch.com/healingresources).  I have not had to use any pain medication of any sort, since before 1988, when I got clean.  When I was pregnant and they did a C-section, I only had a spinal block – no narcotics.  When I had 2 separate bunion surgeries – a total of 4 toes actually cut open, bones broken and shortened, I only used over-the-counter (OTC) NSAIDs (non-steroidal, anti-inflammatory drugs).  I’ve broken my upper R humerus and my L wrist (which required a plate) in the last 5 years – and I don’t believe I’ve used anything but NSAIDs for pain relief.

It CAN be done, people!  And my mind, body and spirit remain connected to the “here-and-now”, instead of getting lost in the “ether” (narcotics).

Now, this brings me to the last part of the personal “crazies” of this month – (of course all of the national news took a toll on me as well, but that is not for discussion here on this Blog)!

I started a new consulting job in my clinical profession in mid-March, so March wasn’t so bad….but this month, I have had a great deal of work to do for the new client.  So, GOOD NEWS-BAD NEWS:  the good news is – I’m gainfully employed and am making more $ the more hours I work.  The bad news is – I don’t have as much time to work on….

MY PASSION: using my platform as an Amazon, multi-international, best-selling author, to reach out and connect with others and share my experience, strength and hope that TOGETHER WE CAN:

#1 – Rewake Your Mind – LEARN from yesterday

#2 – Restore Your Body – LIVE for today

#3 – Revive Your Spirit – HOPE for tomorrow

Here’s the excerpt from my new Poetry and Prose Book that I will be launching next month. 

Dreams for a Lifetime

Your hug is like the warm rays of the sun

Which envelope me in its stillness.

Your kiss is as soft and sweet as the petals of a rose and its luscious fragrance.

 My love, when we walk hand in hand in peaceful contentment through the waters of life;

The blows are but ripples on the sweet pink water,

For you are there to calm them.

And the happy times are more enjoyable when you are there to share them. 

I love you deeper than the blueness of the sky at night,

And my love for you is stronger than the pull of gravity,

which keeps my feet on the ground…

For if there was no gravity, I would certainly soar to the stars and moon,

And there forever stay until your face was no longer there to hold me up.

Love, Liz

P.S. – Don’t miss out!  Claim your spot on my Book Launch Team by reaching out to me on the contact page of my website and just type:  “Add me to your Launch Team!”  You will receive a FREE review copy of every new book I publish, the week before I publish it, to review.  I hope you will join us!!!

More will be revealed,

Dr. Liz