July Blog – 3rd installment of My Mental Health blog
****Continued from May-June 2021 Blog-Vlog on Mental Health / Healing****
So, my May blog ended with: I was 25 years old and it was May 1988. I didn’t know it then, but joining AA and NA was going to help me transform my life! It was a BIG step in my road to mental health and recovery from addiction. I was still very sick, and there were many more tragic and traumatic events yet to come, but there was also a whole lot of healing yet to be done, and the 12 – step programs helped to set me on that path – to clear my mind, body and spirit-soul of the “wreckage of my past”, so that I could be an open vessel for the healing resources that I would stumble upon (God would bring me), either directly or through my connections with others.
From a mental health perspective, I learned that many addicts and alcoholics use substances to “self-medicate” their undiagnosed depression, OCD, bi-polar disorder, or another mental health issue. When they get clean or sober, and are not self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, many addicts/alcoholics end up needing medication for at least some time, until the substances clear and their natural biochemistry returns to balance. And this was the case with me – I was diagnosed with a form of bi-polar disorder – Hypomania, fairly early in recovery, ~1989, and was prescribed several different medications.
Eventually, the best medication for my insomnia, migraines and hypomania was Depakote. This medication literally made me feel like what I had only ever imagined, my whole life, that it must feel like to be “normal”! I was so grateful to have found something (finally) that worked for me.
Also around 1989, I received terrible news that my next-door neighbor, who was then 18 yrs old and who I babysat only 10 yrs before, had killed himself by driving his car off a bridge, while simultaneously setting off a home-made pipe bomb while carrying a couple of gallons of gasoline in the back seat, and shooting himself in the mouth with a shotgun. I was mentally traumatized by the extent to which this little boy, who I knew and cared for not very long before, had gone to such great lengths to be sure that he would not live another moment longer.
Four years later, at age 29, I married again. I had already received my Master’s degree and had already started on my Doctorate. I had moved several times and was about to move to Florida to finish my research. I had learned two MAJOR “secrets” about myself / family – #1 – my grandfather and many other male elders in the family had been molesting the young girls/young women in my family for years.
And #2 – I learned some details about what my grandfather had done to my mother, a couple of my aunts, a few 1st cousins, at least 2 of my sisters, and eventually, I started to realize that I was also a victim of my grandfather’s incestuous pedophilia.
That was the beginning of my journey of discovery of the sexual abuse I had endured – besides the two rapes, which I consciously knew about, but subconsciously was in denial about – so I never talked about it and tried not to think or feel about it.
A couple of years later, by 1994, I was 6 years clean and sober. I discovered that I was in an abusive relationship. I found myself pinned to the floor by my fiancee’s knees and his fist was raised over my face which he was threatening to bash in. I remember feeling dis-belief that I could have ended up like that after 6 years clean and sober. So, again, I began learning more about my past that I had minimized or outright denied or suppressed – this time domestic violence.
My father died in Jan. 2000, when I was 36 yrs old. He was way too young – only 70 yrs old – but he had been diagnosed 5 years earlier with Parkinson’s disease and the Lewy-Bodies variant of Alzheimer’s, both neurological disorders. I was fairly close to my father, so his death hit me very hard. I felt robbed of at least 25 more years that I felt I “coulda, shoulda, woulda” had with him, had he not been taken from me at such a young age.
In 2002, I got married for the third time, to “my charm”, and had a child – probably the happiest time of my life. But 3 years later, when our son was 2 years and 10 months old, my husband ended his life by suicide. I found him and tried to revive him, to no avail. I suffered from PTSD and unbearable grief for the next 10 years, until I finally got on the other side of it as I mentioned in my previous blog.
Overall, if I had to short-list the seminal, transformative events in my life, besides my son’s birth, they would be:
1 – the day my brother died (12 yrs old)
2 – the day I got clean/sober – joined NA/AA (25 yrs old)
3 – the day I found my husband and the father of my child dead by his own hand (42 yrs old)
4 – the day I started to love my life again and consciously wanted to live it, again (52 yrs old)
I realized after I listed these, that the first two (#1, #2) are paired: #1 – my first tragedy/trauma, #2 – my first turning point towards healing/recovery. And the last two (#3, #4) are paired: #3 – the last/worst tragedy/trauma, #4 – the biggest turning point: the culmination of 40 years of trying about 50 different healing strategies to overcome at least 35 different traumatic experiences.
I am a Surviver of Suicide, which generally means I am a loved one left behind by someone who completed suicide. I’m also a survivor of my own, numerous, suicidal ideations from about 8 years old to 42 years old. I call this “a survivor of both sides of suicide”. On the side of being a survivor of a loved one’s suicide, here is my family/friends’ history of suicide/mental illness:
Relatives/friends whom have been diagnosed and/or successfully completed suicide (diagnosis in parens):
My maternal Great Grandmother took her life back in 1912 (post-partum depression)
One of her sons, my Great Uncle was undiagnosed, untreated, but characteristically, full blown, manic-depressive.
Two close friends died by suicide in 1978.
My maternal 1st cousin died by suicide in 1984 (manic depressive, schizo-affective)
My husband and father of my 2 yr old son died by suicide in 2005 (undiagnosed)
My husband’s brother was diagnosed and prescribed meds for (bipolar disorder).
My Mom and two sisters have been diagnosed with and taken meds for (depression, anxiety) or a form of such. All of them have struggled with suicidal ideation. One of my sisters was hospitalized twice in her late 40’s for her own safety (from hurting herself).
My son’s suicidal ideation:
Twice my son told friend(s) he wanted to kill himself: 1st time he was 8 y.o. (2010); the 2nd time he was 10 y.o. (2012). Both times, I took him to a counselor and he healed.
At around 16 yrs old, my son indicated to me, indirectly, that he was feeling hopeless, very sad and frustrated – he didn’t use any of those words, but the crying and the look in his eyes, I could tell.
**We absolutely MUST watch our children VERY CAREFULLY, especially when they don’t want us to watch them! I took him to a counselor again and he improved.
Recently, at 18 yrs old and starting his 2nd year away at college, my son did something very different – he actually came to me and told me that he was worried that he might be Bi-polar, that he might need medication and that he should probably go talk with someone.
**I cannot tell you how proud I am of him for having gotten to know himself well enough at such a young age (some adults don’t ever get there) that he knew something wasn’t right and then he was able to ask for help.
Since my late husband’s suicide in 2005, up through today, I have had a charitable fund in his name to help others who need financial help to access mental health benefits. The Benjamin J. Dubrow Rainbow of Hope Fund. This is where I have been contributing the 15% proceeds from the sales of my book. But my goal for this year is to establish a more global, 501c3 charitable organization in his memory: “The BJD Rainbow of Hope Foundation for Mental Health and Suicide Prevention” to reach more people – hopefully to the corners of this earth!
In next month’s blog, I will share more on that journey and how you can join me in supporting mental health care and making inroads towards lowering the rate of suicide completion.
****To be continued****
My personal message and committment to you:
Since writing and publishing my book – Life Launch! Book One, I have committed to helping others get on the other side of their life’s traumas, by sharing my experience, strength and hope of how I Launched My Life out of mine – on podcasts, stages, my website, this blog/vlog, and via Social Media: LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube.
And I also committed to donate 15% of the proceeds of all of the sales that come from my Life Launch series of books, and any of the other educational products related – including my Self-Guided Web Course: Arise! Mind, Body, Spirit Healing and the other healing resources available for you at the Mind, Body, Spirit Healing Institute I founded.
